Bloody Computers

My rather nifty sports car has decided to die. Apparently it has two engine management computers and one has decided not to talk to the other. This means a (probably) very expensive trip back to the local BMW dealer. This could turn out more expensive than the famous ' left the car keys in Sweden' episode.
Bollox.

News Corpse

Is anyone REALLY surprised at the depths this bastard and his cronies will sink to?
Never mind stopping his takeover bids, make him eat his own shit.

Day 4a. Along the Thames by Pleasure Cruiser.

Isn't life strange sometimes? Last night I found myself surrounded by well heeled gardening enthusiasts on a large cruise boat on the Thames.

Jeez, you should see some of the riverside properties here - fantastic real estate, yet in most of the houses, nobody seems to be home.

There is a truly excellent cold buffet on the boat and plenty of J2O to wash it down with.

Catherine gets a little over exited about the allotment quiz and actually accuses the neighbouring team of cheating! I am slightly embarrassed by her vociferous objections to some of the answers to the quiz, but feel she is somewhat vindicated when the team at the next table, when asked for their final score, declare a total of 86. A superb score for the grizzled and grumpy gardening veterans considering that the maximum possible score is 80!

It's a truly gorgeous evening and the Thames is really beautiful - lots of folks in smaller motor boats and rowing boats with champagne and strawberries.

We arrive back at the mooring at Henley at 11 pm, walk the few minutes home, drink tea, hit the sack and I am unconscious in seconds. A superb evening.

What ever happened to all the sex and drugs and rock and roll?

Current Pain Rating: 2

Day 4. Aldermaston to Henley.

Well, we made it and early too. Arrived in Henley at about 2:30 this afternoon after a superb days ride.

Really the best way to see a city (if possible) is along the canal by bike. I would never have believed that Reading was so ace!

We ended up right in the centre where an Italian food fayre was in full swing, bought bread and stinky cheese for our hosts in Henley (one of whom is Italian by birth) and then cycled on, leaving the Kennett and Avon and joining the river Thames just outside Reading.

After this, the scenery all gets a bit surreal as we move into millionaire country. One house even has it's own railway around the massive grounds. It has to be seen to be believed! Every house has it's own boathouse at the bottom of the garden, most with stupidly expensive looking powerboats moored up and appearing unused.

Cath and I discuss whether we could live like that and the decision is a 50/50 split. Me, yes, Cath no.

Of course with that kind of disposable income I would have been dead years ago and Cath would have the biggest allotment on the planet Earth!

Wildlife was pretty good today too, sandmartins living in the canal banks in the centre of Reading, a couple of nightingales and even a cuckoo! Red kites are as common here as buzzards are at home in the
Blackdowns.

Ha! I feel a real sense of  achievement having cycled 100 miles AND enjoyed it. Where next?
Anywhere without hills is the answer.

Tonight? Well tonight is the Henley allotment society annual river cruise along the Thames. I know nothing of gardening and will surely stick out like a sore thumb amongst the local 'hooray Henry' gardeners, but no matter as our generous hosts Keith and Marissa have invited sister Mary Anna along too and she isn't fussy about ones social standing or background!

Shall I photograph and blog that too?
Oh yes, I think so don't you?

Current Pain Rating: 3

Day 3. Hungerford to Aldermaston.

Once again cracking cycling weather for todays 23 mile ride. So warm today that both your intrepid explorers have plumped for the shorts option in the sartorial elegance stakes.

The ride is mostly canal paths through really beautiful countryside.

It turns out to be wildlife bonanza day as we spot a glorious red kite (which is kind enough to circle directly above us for several minutes, thus securing it's place as my favourite bird), reed warblers, sedge warblers, willow warblers, skylarks, common terns, herons, cettis warblers, lapwings, great spotted woodpeckers with babies, grey wagtails, a family of rats, a water vole and two damsel flies making 'the beast with two backs'.

Actually, damsel flies do it in a very odd way with the male depositing his sperm in a special sack on the back of the females neck (our so it would seem, I must look it up), anyway it looked like fun - one can learn so much from even the simplest of creatures!

The evening is spent in a very comfortable 'Comfort Hotel', with the biggest bed I've ever seen (apart from the IRA waterbed in Manchester, but that's a whole other story!)

Advice from a caterpillar: should you ever find yourself staying in a Comfort Hotel, don't eat there!

Another early night in preparation for the last 20 miles or so tomorrow where we are promised a boat trip down the Thames with the Henley-on-Thames allotment society. Too much fun? We'll see.

Toodle-pip.

Current Pain Rating: 4

Day 2. Rowde to Hungerford.

After a splendid full English at the B&B, we set of for todays ride. The weather was much better - sunshine with a light breeze, in fact perfect cycling weather.

Most of todays 33 mile route was along canal tow paths again, starting with the long climb of the Caen flight of locks just outside Devizes.

After this task it's pretty much plain sailing to the Crofton pumping station, another miracle of Victorian engineering, this time designed to keep a flight of locks full by pumping water uphill to the top after it has been down through the locks.

Here, tea is taken but unfortunately the large chunk of coffee gateau proves to be too much for Thrashers altered digestive tract and brings on a nasty case of  'dumping syndrome' (look it up) and the remainder of the journey is postponed for an hour while he recovers.

The rest of the ride takes in a few miles of quiet lanes through what must surely be some of the most beautiful scenery that England has to offer, ending with another five or so miles of towpath before we arrive in Hungerford and check in at the well hidden B&B (floral bedspreads and a degree of topiary in the small but perfectly formed suburban garden that suggests at least a smattering of some OCD type disorder in at least one of the owners).

Then it's off to the local curry house for a well deserved king prawn madras and a J2O.

Sleepy time folks, another long ride tomorrow.

Current Pain Rating: 5

Day 1. Bath to Rowde.

A poor start to the day as our
train eventually arrives a whole hour late in the cold and wet of a truly miserable Taunton station.
When we eventually arrive in Bath (by now an hour and a quarter behind schedule), it is raining even more heavily despite the Met offices promise of clear skies by lunchtime.
Of we go!
After around half a mile of increasingly soggy pedalling, Cath becomes the first casualty of the trip when she fails to see me stop and runs right into the back of me. Luckily, despite falling off and the bike landing on top of her, she only has a couple of minor bruises.
How did she manage this feat?
She admits that she wasn't looking where she was going because of some trouser related issue. DOH!
After a few miles we arrive at Claverton pumping station, a huge water wheel powered canal pump engineered as only the Victorians knew how - i.e. work out the correct engineering tolerances then double them for safety!
Leaving the comparitive warmth and dryness of the pump rooms, we continue on our damp (well, to be honest, bloody soaking) way towards Devizes.
Pretty miserable most of the rest of the journey with the usual human canal life in abundance (now I know where old hippies go to die)
By now it's 5:30 ish and Thrashers highly modified digestive tract is crying out for sustenance. The first hostelry we come upon is on the opposite side of the canal and inaccessible without a lengthy detour, as is the second, but the third is easily reached so we enter in search of edible comestibles. It's about this time that we notice that the bikes and indeed our persons are covered in shite.
No matter, we enter the pub and order food and drink. Just as we are settling down to wait for our food, I notice the manager dealing with the customers at the next table. He is strangely familiar - a face from the past.
'Howard?' I ask.
'Yes, who are you?'
'Ernie Clark', I answer.
'My God' says he, 'I haven't seen you for twenty years.'
It's true, when I first came to Somerset many years ago and joined my first rock band, Howard used to let us rehearse in his pub in Taunton and for a while even managed the band!
So, a pleasant and surprising end to a wet day.
You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried could you?
Current Pain Rating: 5

The Big Adventure Begins

Today is the day that we set off to cycle from Bath to Henley along the Kennett & Avon canal. I've been looking forward to this for months and even waking to a thick drizzle of rain has not dampened my enthusiasm. I've had the bike serviced and it's in tip top condition.
So, the 11:20 to Bath and then cycle to Rowde. Tally-Ho! A good opportunity to test BT's 2.8 million hotspots as well

Current Pain Rating: 3

Cycling for the monarchy.

"People occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."

Now, I'm paraphrasing Winnie here, but for FUCKS sakes - 1 million people attended the royal wedding in London.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.......must be nearly time for a war, now we are all pacified?
Me - I was in Burnham/Highbridge/Brean cycling and having fun.
Fell foul of the tide and got awfully muddy.

Current Pain Rating: 2

I Wish I Could Go Home With All The Big Folks.

I'm pretty sure I posted this before, but it's SO good I'm lettin' y'all have it again.
I particularly like the 'thousand yard stare' about 8 seconds in - reminds me of me right now!

Current Pain Rating: 3

I've always been mad, I know I've been mad..........

Things are not too good here at Thrasher Towers. A lifetime of substance abuse seems to be taking it's toll, physically and mentally on top of which one's younger brother decided to top himself a few weeks ago. More broken bones as well.

Really, I should be kept in a cage, preferably on another planet a safe distance from Earth. If you do go for this option, people of Earth, I want to be fed choice cuts of raw vegetables by the duskiest of handmaidens and then have them perform acts of sexual deviance upon me that score just within the parameters of 'normal human'. Sort that out and you have a deal.

Current Pain Rating: 4.5

Girls,Guns,Guts,Guitars.

Well, what a crap couple of years it's been. Lost my best mate, my band, my brother, a Fender Stratocaster, a Gibson SG and 10 stones in weight. Also many pints of blood, one elbow joint, nearly all my hemoglobin and two bad habits. Where do we go from here? Onwards and upwards dear hearts, onwards and upwards. I have started playing the blues again - my brother's death kicked the switch. Even I think I'm good. I may start looking for other musicians and form a small beat combo - just for fun you understand.

I'm afraid I have mislead you - there's nothing in this post about girls! Or, indeed, guns.

BUT - anyone correctly identifying all four of the main characters in the picture above, with an approximate date, will win a prize - a gen-u-wine rubber nose.

Current Pain Rating: 1

Andrew Brian "Billy" Clark

Sad to say my brother Billy died at home in bed last Monday 8th March 2011.
Peace brother.

Current Pain Rating: Off the scale!

Oooof!

Just landed - some 5 months in space. Cryo-unit malfunctioned and I had to substitute other methods to stay 'asleep'.
Earth seems exactly the same as when I left.
How droll.

I am pleased to be able report that the recent arse transplant has not rejected me (yet) and indeed seems to have improved my flagging health, despite having been performed whilst drifting in the outer reaches of the solar system.

Goodness, I'm even considering picking up a guitar again!

Now I guess I'll have to re-learn how to communicate with the humanoids inhabiting this place.

No Fun!

Current Pain Rating: 3